I get the question a lot: “is it bad that I thought or felt this way?” Many of us try, after all, to be thoughtful and “good” people. No matter how hard we try, however, we tend to find that our thoughts and feelings are often out of our control. We feel unpleasant feelings. We think thoughts that feel uncomfortable for who we think we should be. And, if we stress too much about this, we get can get caught in cycles of shame and questioning.
So, let me answer the question. Is it morally or ethically “bad” that you had a thought or feeling you’re not comfortable with?
No.
There are no conditions on that answer, because the truth is that thoughts and feelings are part of the organic processes of life and do not have morality attached to them. They simply exist. There are no moral judgments on thoughts and feelings. Also, we cannot directly control our thoughts and feelings. We can influence them by the choices we make, like reading more longform content to lengthen our attention spans or choosing to be present in our bodies instead of spinning out mentally on something that happened a decade ago. But what pops up spontaneously for us is just that: what pops up spontaneously for us. Our thoughts and feelings in the moment are about the information we’ve heard and learned over our lives. This may not represent who we are.
Who we are is represented by how we respond to those thoughts and feelings.
Ethics comes into play when we decide what we want to do about what we thought or felt. Let’s say I have an unkind thought pop into my head. I may have some relationships like loved ones, close friends, and my own mental health professional who I can acknowledge and process these thoughts with. This is fine. The mere existence of the thought and admitting it exists does not make me a “bad person.” But if I pick fights with people and accuse them of having that thought, because I want to blame them instead of admitting my own thoughts? That’s irresponsible and harmful. It’s also very confusing for others.
Similarly, if I’m feeling particularly insecure, I can choose to act and respond in ways that are more or less responsible as decided by the agreements I have with others and myself. Responsible ways of handling my feelings of insecurity could look, for example, like voicing this feeling to my spouse and making requests for support that are reasonable within our relationship. Reasonable requests might be spending quality time together or asking to hear some positive feedback. I could also reach out to my friends and connect with them about their day, so that I am not dwelling on my own feelings.
Irresponsible choices might be speaking unkindly and abusively to my partner, lashing out at my friends, and responding to my clients in ways that center my experience and needs instead of theirs. Yikes! Those are unreasonable choices for those relationships and connections because those are not behaviors and power dynamics we’ve agreed on. These are ways I can harm and negatively impact people. This also goes against the values of how I want to show up in the world, regardless of how others receive it.
Your thoughts and feelings do not make you a “bad person.”
In fact, I don’t believe in “good” or “bad” when it comes to people, just the things they choose to do and the patterns over time. You can be a person who has a pattern of positive or negative impact in the world. Chances are, you’re complicated and have both.People have the capacity for many things. You can accept the fact that you’re thinking and feeling in ways that make you uncomfortable and still choose responsible actions.
Regardless of what you’re thinking and feeling, regardless of your history, you can make choices that impact others positively. That’s what matters. Building your sense of self and the values important to you is helpful when you want to increase your positive impact and decrease your negative impact. This can be hard work alone! If you’re looking for clinical support in moving forward and think we might be a good therapeutic fit, click here to reach out.
Dr. Stephanie Bloodworth, PsyD, LMFT-S