Let’s talk more today about brain chatter and what to do when it becomes too much. Some people notice excessive thinking the most at night when they’re trying to sleep. This can include having dreams full of constant conversations, to the point that sleep isn’t even restful. People might also have challenges with constant thoughts and mental chatter during the day. While a variety of factors contribute to the amount, pressure, and rhythm of your thinking, there is a high likelihood one of those factors is a chronic violation of what I’ve been calling the “1 Brain Rule.” Here’s how that rule goes:
At any given time, there should be one brain in your head, and ideally it is your own.
If you’re spending a lot of time thinking about how other people might think and feel about you, how they might be judging you, etc.? That’s a violation of the one brain rule. Those are other people’s brains and more than one brain in your head at a time. If you are criticizing yourself and picking yourself apart for something you’ve done? That’s a violation of the one brain rule because your one brain has split into at least two brains. Also, if you’re spending a lot of time reliving and thinking over things that happened in the past, or might happen in the future, that’s technically also a violation of the rule because those are brains from different time periods, rather than your own in this moment.
Come back to your current experience right here, in this moment, using your five senses to ground you as much as it feels safe.
I am not saying you are doing a “bad thing” by breaking the one brain “rule.” It is helpful to plan certain things in advance, like a presentation or how you want to express yourself in a difficult emotional space. It is helpful to learn from past experiences. Chances are, you likely learned to house other people’s brains in yours, to think and worry about what other people think of you, because of unbalanced power differentials. Your caretakers, other early important figures, and/or difficult experiences early on likely encouraged you to consistently think about other people’s thinking and perception of you in order to reduce the harm you would experience if they were upset. While this can be a helpful and protective skill in unhealthy environments, it’s not okay that you had to experience that. You deserve to be able to focus more on your own experience, especially once you’re out of harmful spaces.
What we’re talking about here is a point of diminishing returns. Never considering other people’s perspective or needs and never planning for the future has its own problems. Spending too much time engrossed in what other people are thinking and over-rehearsing conversations is the other side of that range, and that’s what we’re working on reducing here. There is a healthy medium in between that, with practice, feels like a better balance.
What that balance looks like is up to you and what you’re comfortable with. I spend a lot of time currently reminding myself to stop having conversations in my mind that aren’t actually happening. It’s a lot of noticing and redirecting myself to the present but, slowly and surely, things get a little quieter. I get to feel increasingly more present. That’s an important part to note: redirecting your mind for a week isn’t going to suddenly “cure” what you’ve been neurologically primed to do for most of your life. Every attempt you make is going to make a small neurological change that only maybe makes it a little easier the next time. It’s going to feel annoying and frustrating, and you might not notice benefits for a while. But that time is going to pass anyway and those changes will add up. If you want the opportunity for things to get a little more manageable and a little quieter, putting in the work is worth it.
Now, deciding whether trying at all is worth it is up to you, as is how much change you’d like to make. Changing the way our brains work can be difficult and tedious, but it’s possible and can be deeply rewarding. If you’d like support at any part of the process, including if you’re not sure you want to start a process like this, speaking with a therapist you connect well with is a great idea. If I might be that therapist for you, reach out and let me know!
Dr. Stephanie Bloodworth, PsyD, LMFT-S